Quote of the week

I love Louise Hay.  I don’t agree with everything that she believes, but her books have taught me how to love myself.  I am going to publish one of her quotes every week.  Her quotes bring me back to a place of mindfulness with my body and at times meditation.

I am at peace with the rhythm and flow of life.  – Louise Hay

What is a favorite quote of yours that has helped you in your recovery or in life?

Second Race Success – Kind of…

Hello all,

I have been MIA and for that my apologies.  I have been going through a family struggle that greatly affects me, but is not my story to tell.  With that being said, I want to catch you up on my goings and comings.

I have pictures of my first race that my DH took for me.  Notice the dace of happiness at the end.  :)

I am the one in blue with the stroller.

1:03 Finish On 09/29/13

1:03 Finish On 09/29/13

I finished a second 5K on November 3rd, Cliff Hanger.  It was a lot different then the race for Charlie’s House.  It was hard and I was alone!  My son refused to go with me in the stroller this time and wanted to stay with my husband.  When the race started, I tried to do a walk / run interval and it didn’t work.  I was still having some troubles with my shoes.  I started to do my three minute run and felt what I thought was a tag stabbing me in the back.  “But”, I say to myself, “I am wearing tagless clothing.”  I ran a little bit more and realized it was a nerve; that’s not good.  So I stopped running and started walking as fast as I could.

After a while of getting board with that, I tried to run again.  I have found out that it easier to job then to walk fast.  It hurt too much and I stopped jogging.  I was sad, angry, frustrated, depressed.  I had been working so hard on my couch to 5K (C25K) and this was the only progress I made?  This is the moment that my therapy, training, and support I have received from others kicked it.

I had lamented to my husband about my fears of not doing well and meeting my goals.  I felt at the time my goals were completely realistic:  a 5K in 48 minutes.  He asked me, “Are you doing this run to meet your goals or to finish the 5K and enjoy the process?”  So like a ten year old and my best Eeyore impersonation I answered, “To enjoy the process”.  But really inside I wanted that sense of accomplishment, that look at what I did, not just “enjoy the process”.  So when I realized that I was not going to impress everyone what my awesome athleticism, I remembered to enjoy the process and do what I can do.  I tried very hard to silence “Msz.  Perfect” and decided to “Just Do It” and   I did it.

It was a difficult run, much harder then Charlie’s house.  It has switch backs and hills.  When I got one mile in, the runners were coming back the other way for the finish.  Bummer.  After I got over my need to achieve, I really started to enjoy the scenery.  It was so beautiful.  The brightly colored leaves were falling from the trees and sailing to the ground gently and like a whirling dervish all at the same time.  The air was crisp and smelled wonderful.  My body was moving and I felt healthy.  It became at times, a walking meditation and appreciation.  Looking back, that was more success then winning the race.  I learned a valuable lesson that again you think someone would have clued me in on or maybe it was obvious I don’t know.

 It takes time and practice to transition from a treadmill to asphalt.  There is a big difference in the two.  I have also decided that in the short run I may not be able to run a 5K outside and need to stay on the treadmill.  If that is the case to save my knees and other valued body parts, I am O.K. with that.  The only thing that I really wish was different was that they had finisher medals.  I would pay extra for one of those things dang it.    Oh well, at the Mother’s Day 5K everyone gets a metal.  I am so excited to receive one!

I am the one with the blue arms in the middle.

1:06 Finish on 11/3/13

1:06 Finish on 11/3/13

Kevin Breel: Confessions of a depressed comic

I like to watch talks on TED.com and every now and then I come across an incredible talk that I wish everyone could see and embrace.  This talk is one: http://on.ted.com/Breel

In my struggles I have learned that love and especially self-love is one of the most powerful forces in the world.  I don’t mean arrogance or narcissism, but unconditional love and acceptance.  My search for unconditional self love is / has been an epic journey that has helped me in ways that I have never expected and at times has overwhelming me with blessings.  I am still a work in progress.

I have lived so long with the negative thoughts that when I think of my cherished relationship with myself, up pops the questions and hateful comments…  why you?  Your not special.   Someone else deserves it more… and on and on they go.  Until I stay stop.  I love myself to much to say that or to treat my body like this or to, honestly, hate myself like that.  I am hoping, with time, the hateful comments will become less and less.

Now while this has everything to do with an eating disorder, you may wonder what in the world it has to do with running.  Well my friends, yesterday I finished my first race.  I was so scarred when we got there.  I didn’t want to line up for the start.  I was hoping for some excuse as to why I could back out.  But I also knew I was worth it and deserved this win.  Without the process of developing this self-love and acceptance, I would not have participated in that race.

I can’t explain all of the pieces and parts of how I got here, but I can tell you that for me that first step was asking others for help and being honest.  It also comes with the little victories that I have everyday.  Some days the victory is setting boundaries and other days it is telling people about ED.  I am not ashamed of me anymore.  My self-love has helped me to see, understand, and feel that I don’t need ED to help me cope.  I have my tool box:  Love, support, distraction, journaling, and movement.

What is in your tool box?  Let me know.  More details about the race and pictures to come in a few days…

So…

Is it just me or does everyone say “so” right before they forge ahead and say something difficult?  Well this will be the first of what i am going to guess will be many “so” moments for me on this blog.  So, I am scared.  I am completely freaked out by walking a 5K tomorrow.  Why? Well that is a good question.  I think it is two things: 1) I am going to get hurt and / or 2) I will not be able to finish.

Logically, I have nothing to worry about tomorrow.  I bet I have even walked more then a 5K before with no problem and didn’t even realize it..  But this is where the eating disorder is sneaky and throws you a perfection curve ball.  What do i mean by that? Personally it means that I either get a goal 100% perfect or i have failed.  I just love the saying “Go big or go home”.  The thing is,  I know now this is totally unreasonable!  I keep telling myself that completion of the 5K is perfection.  If only I could embrace that thought and run with it and not fight myself so hard.  To ratchet down the internal back and forth of ‘yes I am doing this’ and ‘no I am not’, I enlisted some help.  My three year old is going to ride in the stroller tomorrow while I walk.

Not only does he help me to get into Lego Land and kid’s movie without stares, but he is awesome peer pressure.  Who wants to explain to a three year old why they are scarred to take a long walk.  Not I.

The Flu

I have been sick all week with the flu.  Didn’t move much at all.  I am still week, but getting back into the swing of things.  Still have my 5K walk this weekend.  I am pretty nervous especially with no movement this week.  I will have pictures of my walk finish.   I am hoping for the best.  :)

Work-out log 10-18-13

Monday – Rest

Tuesday – Tai Chi – It is amazing how you can sweat from moving so little and slow.  I was so hot when I was done.  :)  Great teacher.  A class at PraireLife Center.  My gym in Overland Park / Olathe.

Wednesday Da Vinci Boady Board.  — Great sweat.  Was really nervous about this exercise, but was awesome.  Better then any Zumba class, but easy on my knees.  I had to stop a few times, I won’t lie.  I will be excited when I get through the whole video.  It is 17 minutes long, but wow!  It got my heart rate up and kicked my butt!  I have committed to doing the board every other day.  It left me wanting more.  That is a first.  If you want to know more, the link to the board is on the right.

Planned Thursday – Tai Chi

Planned Friday -  Walk at gym – afternoon  / DVBB  – Morning

Planned Saturday – Rest

Planned Sunday – Walk at gym – afternoon  / DVBB  – Morning

WorkOutLog – Breezy

Walked for 45 minutes on Tuesday, 8/3/13.  My heal is still tender in the new shoes, but feels better.  I have signed up to do the first inaugural Charlies House 5K Walk.  Hoping to get on the mend soon.  Found a great schedule at Fat Girl Fitness  I am going to only do the walking part of the schedule for now.  After my first 5K, I will start on the interval training.  Happy walking / Running.